An email to a friend —

To follow up on children as “blessings”, here are a few thoughts.

First, N was thinking in very OT terms, children as “arrows in your quiver”, “plants around your table”, or vines, or however that verse goes. :-) It’s fine, except when I read the Psalms and similar wisdom or prophetic passages in the OT, I am thinking general bounty and peace in the land, with God’s presence throughout. The details are part of a holistic concrete description of Life, very earthy and practical, as the OT language always is. Compare with when the people worship idols and God comes “with a strong arm” and makes the whole land uninhabitable — except for pelicans or owls or something. The whole land becomes “barren” and “vomits the people out”. IOW “arrows in your quiver” is not a specific, literal, paradigmatic token of “blessing”, to have lots of kids. Not that kids and families aren’t great. But… there’s more going on. There’s a much greater, wider Blessing or Blessedness involved here. It has to do with peace, with God being there in that place, with God being WITH his people. You can find it in a monastery as easily as around a kitchen table. “I shall be your God, and you shall be my people.” “I will go up with you out of the land of bondage, out of the land of Egypt, and into the land of promise, of milk and honey” and so forth. God dwells in the land with His people. Abundant flocks, water in the fields, food on the table, kids around the table, peace, expulsion of enemies, lions laying down with lambs, no more sickness and sorrow, etc. - ALL those things are Blessing. It’s being with God, whatever the particulars of that are. That is Blessing.

It is less convincing to me to think of blessings (or “graces”) as personal goodies God gives me. That smacks of possessions. One begins to think of wealth as a blessing, material goods as blessings, children as blessings. It’s good, yes, to acknowledge that everything we “have” (possess) comes from God - IS God’s. (Do we really have any true possessions of our own?) So “having” is not really what it’s about at all — except maybe to “have” God Himself. My mom always says, “I always enjoyed you girls.” An in-law says of her only child, “I enjoy being home with N.” Well, I daresay my sister and I weren’t always very “enjoyable” for my mom. What guilt does she carry around that she feels she has to declare all the time that she “enjoyed” us? Were we there for her enjoyment? My point is that it’s all too easy to see kids as something God “gives” to YOU. God gives YOU a “blessing”. Aren’t children little blessings TO their parents? But wait! Kids are PEOPLE. Never mind to whom they are “given”, they are made by God, they are creatures (created beings) in their own right, they have their OWN being. If our kids would make us less selfish, it might be better to stop thinking of them as gifts to ourselves and to start seeing them as real, live, human beings each with his or her own personhood. The biggest blessing is the gift of LIFE God gives (along with our cooperation as biological parents) to the CHILD himself. Even further, if that child comes to know GOD, that is further Blessing. If WE come to know God, that is Blessing. God Himself, abundant life IN Him, that is Blessing.

Next, the whole concept of “self-sacrifice”. This is a bad term, first of all. R used “deny yourself” (as in deny your passions). This is better. I would think an even better term would be to “discipline” yourself, get yourself in order, quell your inner upsets and mess. There can be a whole other way of thinking of “self-sacrifice” that is IMO theologically highly suspect - and it may be one that Catholics gravitate towards. Also, the necessary connection with GOD. It’s essential not to lose that. We don’t sacrifice ourselves so we can “go to heaven”. It’s not that God will “like” us better (because God “likes” human sacrifices) so we can go to heaven (somehow pay the entry fee). No, as R put it:

We are saved by acquiring the Holy Spirit (God fits there). We acquire the Holy Spirit by a) asking for him (and God fits there), and b) making room for him. We make room for him by denying ourselves, by excising our passions. We excise our passions, in part, by putting our neighbors’ (and God fits there — Christ in the least of these) needs before our own. Our spouses and children are our nearest neighbors, so we work out our salvation by denying ourselves for their (and Christ’s) sake.

We discipline ourselves to fight our passions to make room for the Holy Spirit, Who is God, Who saves (by being Life itself, Giver of Life). Make room. There’s always a spaciousness about salvation, whether in the heart or in the land. That’s the key theological point. It’s not necessary even to use the word “sacrifice”. PART of self-discipline, yes, is to learn to give to others, take care of others, meet their needs, even at cost to ourselves (and quelling a bad will is a good way to fight the passions of pride, selfishness, and so forth). But surely that’s not the reason we care for others, to get this benefit for ourselves? Love God and love your neighbor. We are saved by following Christ’s commandments. We are saved by acquiring GOD. He is the true possession — not kids per se.

Also, I guess I do come back to a piece of hypocrisy. If you are focused on your kids because you CARE about them, not as possessions, not as little opportunities for your own salvation, but as PEOPLE in their own right, as people beloved by God, lives created by God, people in whom God desires to dwell (Christ in the least of these), then you simply aren’t (as a matter of fact) focused on yourself. You’re focused on them. You aren’t worried about your own sacrifice. Your own sacrifice isn’t even on your mind (maybe there isn’t even one). It’s not like you’re constantly thinking to yourself, “Sacrifice, now, sacrifice. Deny, deny, deny. This is good for me to bend over backwards.” No… you’re just loving that other person. So the more “talk” there is of self-sacrifice, the more I wonder that people are “doing” what they need to be doing, i.e. loving. And if they’re not “doing” it themselves, why are they talking it up to other people, telling them what to do? And making them feel guilt for not sacrificing enough? (Which, I guarantee, anyone who does love their children will always feel.) When we give alms, the principle is not to let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. Be a cheerful giver. We’re not supposed to “feel the pain” of giving up the money. We’re not saved by consciousness of sacrifice. So why put it at the center of salvation consciousness? Giving, as love, ought just to HAPPEN, motivated by something entirely different.

Finally, the whole thing seems like it’s coming from the wrong end. Are we saved through our husband and children by sacrificing ourselves? No. We’re saved by God, through Christ, in the Holy Spirit. Just as we’re created, we’re recreated and healed (saved). We fight our passions to make room for the Holy Spirit, but Christ is the one who provides most of the “means” for doing that, through prayer, through fasting, through His own conquering of death, His healing of human nature (which we can all, as Christians, participate in through communion with Him), through faith and trust in Him to guide and show us a way. As we grow in Christ, as we acquire the Holy Spirit, a wonderful EFFECT of that is that God can begin to love through us. We become open to Him and His “energies”. That’s when we can begin to love our kids truly, as God would have them loved. HE loves them through us. And, thereby, THEY learn what salvation is. So the order is not:

God —(gives)—-> kids —(to)—-> us —(so we can sacrifice, so we can get to)—-> God.

It’s

God —(gives Himself to)—-> us —(and though Him we learn to LOVE our)—-> kids —(who then also come to know)—-> God.

There. I think that’s what I wanted to say. =)