Muddy Water

My thoughts are very frequently “muddy”. I tried reading St. Innocent’s “Indication of the Way into the Heavenly Kingdom” a long time ago and couldn’t appreciate it. Now I do. His is some of the wisest and most clearly and compassionately stated advice for the struggling Christian that I’ve seen. (My other current favorite is Cassian’s Conferences.) Here’s an excerpt from St. Innocent:

But while fasting physically, it is necessary at the same time to fast spiritually as well, that is, to restrain your tongue from evil and not speak ill of anyone or talk needlessly, to moderate your desires and root out your passions. Thus for example, today do not do that unbecoming or unnecessary thing which you had thought of doing; tomorrow, if circumstances dispose you to be angry with anyone, calm yourself and control your heart and tongue; the day after tomorrow, if you have a desire to go to some amusement or entertainment, and especially if this is one where you may see or hear something bad, do not go there. And in this manner continue to overcome yourself.

Then begin to control and order your thoughts so that they do not wander where there is absolutely no need; because thoughts are the cause of much evil. There is nothing more difficult than to stop one’s thoughts and bring them under control; in fact it is impossible all of a sudden to order and purify one’s thoughts, just as it is impossible suddenly to break and tame horses that have been running wild for a long time and have never known a bridle. In the same way, it is quite impossible for a person who has given his will and desires freedom and let them run wild all his life to reduce them suddenly to order. And moreover, when you live like an ordinary man engaged only with your worldly duties and thinking little of your duties as a Christian, then it seems to you that your thoughts are in order and even pure. But as soon as you begin to think and care about your salvation, your thoughts will at once become fuddled, just as ditch water which has stood for some time seems bright and clean so long as you do not touch it; but the more you clean out the ditch, the muddier the water becomes. It is the same with our thoughts; and finally the devil himself will stir them up. But in spite of this, struggle with your thoughts; be strong and courageous, and never despair and think that it is quite impossible to still and purify one’s thoughts. However, as far as you can, struggle and ask God for help. And the Holy Spirit, seeing your sincere desire, will dwell in you and help you.

Sometimes we hear that when God is near us there is no confusion. Well…. I find St. Innocent’s description of the Christian’s early struggle to ‘clean one’s ditch’ to be more accurate. There is a sort of schizophrenia that afflicts the soul trying to move from the world into the Church. The old securities must be rooted out — but that means the old securities go away…. This is when faith and humility (trust in and submission to God) come into play. One has to trust — big time — to move into unfamiliar, new territory.

St. Innocent also has an especially wise passage dealing with investigating the Church and conversion.